But I didn't feel like just a friend
by Fake Shemp
Summary: Zoe/Jen Zen femslash Defying Gravity
1. Chapter 1

Title: But I didn't feel like "just a friend"

Author: shemp_o2stk/Fake Shemp (me lol)

Pairing: Zen

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or the show but if I had the right to show them on my imaginary network, gosh darn it I would!

I made my way to the ward as fast as I could, inconspicuously I hoped as I knew rumours would start flying around if anyone saw me the way I expected my face to look right now. Someone must have seen Zoe being carried in, and I guess mouths would be flapping by now. I was suddenly there, unaware of anyone around me as I stopped at the doorway.

My breath escaped me for a few seconds, having to steady myself as I looked into the room, Zoe's bed encased by the hospital curtains. Zoe was lying in there in... in what condition? And as far as I was concerned this was all Donner's fault, or mine.

Faced with the most real relationship in my life, the strongest emotions, and what did I do? Nothing. Distracting myself with Ted? Maybe it really was my fault, I stood by and let Zoe's life spiral into this mess. I couldn't interfere with her love life because of how I felt about her. Maybe if I had just been looking out for her as a friend then-? But I didn't feel like "just a friend", I didn't want to be. But it was still totally his fault, I kept telling myself.

The nurse slipped out the bottom end of the curtains, clocked me standing there like a popcorn vendor, probably with matching glazed eyes wondering what I was doing there.

"Jen?" She questioned, I nodded unable to speak, my jaw clenched. She gave me a little wave to come over, and as I walked over to her, I felt my hands getting hot. "Good, she's been asking after you."

The nurse pulled back the curtain to Zoe's bed. I told myself to be calm, but my hands tightened at my sides. One last clench of my jaw, don't say anything Jen, don't tell Zoe how you feel about her, what you think of how Donner treat her. Nothing. I tried to breath steadily and speak.

"Hey." That was weak for what Zoe had been through, but if my mouth was open any longer I would have spoken my mind.

Zoe smiled wryly up at me. Our gaze held a little too long, I broke it, sat down at her side.

The nurse made her excuses and went, sensing the awkwardness between Zoe and I.

"Do you think I made the wrong descision?" She asked me in her light voice, almost a whisper.

"...from the start" It just came out, saying it more to myself.

"What?" Her voice strained at me, I closed my eyes and exhaled. "Jen do you think I-"

"-No" I cut her off. Opening my eyes I looked across into her azure eyes. I forgot what I was saying, lost in the, "I-um, Zoe, I didn't mean... I meant the whole Maddox thing was bad from the start." Zoe's eyes cut through me, I knew I shouldn't have said anything, I was on the verge of spilling my one clear thought. "Zoe..." I'm in love with you.

"But I did the right thing? ... Jen?"

"Yes, Yes you did, if this is what you really want."

"I do," Zoe sighed and let herself give a small smile, rolling her eyes. "I became one of those women didn't I?"

I returned her smile, since we met we said we wouldn't let "drama" take over our lives, we had our futures in mind and didn't want anything to get in the way.

"Seems we still can't have everything." I wanted her.


	2. Chapter 2 No Drama

Title: "No Drama" a continuation of "But I didn't feel like "just a friend"

Pairing: Zen

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or the show but if I had the right to show them on my imaginary network, gosh darn it I would!

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"Seems we still can't have everything." I wanted her.

Jen avoided the eye contact I was desperate for, and sat down at my bedside. My eyes watched her mouth, it could distract me at the worst of times through training, that or the way she would look at me and raise an eyebrow. I shuddered.

"Are you cold? Do you need me to get anything?" Jen asked, her voiced dripped with concern for me. I could not help but give a little smile. I shook my head.

I was making her nervous, I wondered what she was thinking. Something about me, did she think differently of me after this?

If only on the first night Jen had picked up on what I should have just came out and said to her. I thought I made it clear, how many times did I tell her I didn't want to be there at Major Tom's?

I closed my eyes, tilting my head back against the pillow, wanting to be some where else... still with her, but not in this hospital, not in this situation.

I drifted back slowly, her face in my mind, wondering if she was thinking of me.

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I watched Zoe getting watched by Donner, and I looked at her, not a hidden sly look, I wanted to make it obvious. Why? Well i had my eye on her, and this distracted anyone from noticing, and maybe even distracted me from it... or, just maybe, find out if they are interested in me too.

"Do you know him?" I lent in, focused on her mouth, ready to lip-read incase she whispered as we were hardly in private. She never took her eyes off Donner as she answered me.

"Who?"

"Donner" I not so whispered. They hadn't taken their eyes off one another.

"Cuz, he sure looks like he knows you." I wanted her to tell the truth, my eyes now on her eyes, trying to read this baby blonde who has got to have something behind those baby blues.

"Oh no, he doesn't."

"Oh." yeah right. "Well he's smiling at you." I pressed. "Smile back" I pressed further. We had drawn attention of others around us now, just what I wanted. This, in my experience may lead to a confession, I didn't expect her to shout at me "I'm not interested in him because I'm gay." but these tactics had lead to something similar in the past.

"Jen..."

"Come on, don't be such a tight a-"

"No!" Yes! I had hit a nerve, hopefully this would lead to the private confession.

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I stood by my locker as the group cheered when Zoe was the first to throw up, and some call me incensitive! All in good fun, bonding experience, but I am not incensitive, just takes the right person to get to know me.

I watched her and Donner, but turned to look busy when she came over.

I handed her a tooth brush for that not so niceness of just having thrown up.

"You have to lighten up girl."

"I'm so light, I'm floating." She was agitated, poor thing, who wouldn't be after being the first one to throw up. This hadn't started well for her, and I could tell she was a determined little thing.

"He was making a pass at you." Get back on track Zoe.

"He's not my type." Tell me what is Zoe.

"What, the smart, good looking, american type?" I hoped she wasn't that cliche and was about to set me straight.

"He left two people on Mars." Avoidance Zoe.

"Okay, the tragic American Hero, even better." I don't think my bating her was working. Time to get to the point myself. "Ooh, you're not gay are you?" say yes say yes say yes

"No, I'm a geologist." What sorta answer is that Zoe, "Who wants to travel to another planet without unnecissary complications."

"Right, a space nun."

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"I'm not a space nun you know." Zoe sounded agitated, the day having gotten to her.

"I don't know." I took a sip of my drink.

"Maybe you'll find out." She smiled coyly down into her drink, then her eyes flicked up at me through her hair. I tried to hide my excitement with a double eyebrow raise, but when our eyes met briefly i think they gave me away. "I'm just focused on my career," Zoe broke the moment between our eyes. "And I don't want anything getting in the way."

"No drama?"

"Right," She smiled, her hand waved in the air. "No Drama... is that too much to ask for?"

I motioned to the bar tender for another two drinks for us. I picked mine up, she mimicked me.

"Here's to no drama." We clinked glasses.

"No drama." She nodded at me.

The drinks kept flowing as the night went on, both of us talking about how to get some but have "no drama".

We headed back to Zoe's place and I was holding Zoe from behind by the waist before she had the door open. I pushed her hair aside exposing her creamy neck. I told myself that I wouldn't let my feelings get the better of me, this was no strings, no drama. I kissed her neck, I would worry about my feelings causing a problem in the morning.

She pushed some hair behind her ear as she fumbled to get the door open and we were inside. My arms released her, but she pulled me by my hand into her apartment.

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I woke before her, the sun wasn't up but it was about to break through the ground and shed light on the night.

I watched her sleep, her hair got lighter as the time went by, until it was a golden halo. I reached around on the floor for my clothes, my movement waking her up as she made a little noise as she stretched. I wanted the night to start all over again. She gave me a little smile that broke out to a full smile as she gave a little chuckle.

My hand found my top, and I put threw it haphazardly over my head, pulled it down, my hands reached down to find another article of clothing, I lent over feeling around under Zoe's table. I sat back on the couch as her hand slid up my back under my top.

"Zoe..." I let her hand wander before I forced myself to stand up.

"What's wrong?" Her eyes scanned up my legs.

"No drama." I lent down found her shirt, tossed it at her. She nodded, understanding that this could be no more than what it was. We had years together ahead of us, and neither could get distracted by the other. I finished dressing, I had to leave now or my feelings would make this something more than we could let it be. I wanted to go back to her lying naked in the morning light as I closed her door behind me.

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No drama? Zoe came to me today and told me she's pregnant, wel well welll, I don't need to be a biologist, though I am, to know I didn't do that!

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I opened my eyes, looked across to Jen. Her eyes darted away from me. Had she been thinking back over recent events as I had? That this drama could have been prevented if I had been honest about what I felt for her instead of running into someone else's arms to distract me from her. If?


End file.
